EEE estate is known for its close knit community, where neighbours regularly interact and maintain strong social ties. Among the women in the area, daily gym sessions, coffee catch ups, and weekly lunches are part of the routine. I have been living in this neighbourhood for the past ten years during which I have formed many friendships, partook in community uplifting efforts as well as assisted with charitable work in the society. It is
through these shared activities that the true character of a woman living in the estate, FFF, has revealed herself.
FFF, a wealthy 50 year old woman who always ensures that all eyes are on her thrives on seeking attention. From the way she carries herself to the way she speaks, she exudes a sense of superiority. She expects attention and admiration without earning it. It is as though she believes that being very wealthy automatically makes her more important than everybody else. Whenever a big wedding is announced in the community, especially if it involves a prominent family, FFF’s behaviour changes overnight. She suddenly becomes overly friendly with the immediate family of the bride or groom, despite not having a close relationship with them prior. She starts making surprise visits to their homes under the pretext of helping with wedding preparations. She offers unsolicited advice and inserts herself into discussions about planning. Her goal is clearly to secure a full invite for the week. Once she gets the invitation, she makes sure everyone else hears about it. She loves to brag about how she is invited to so many events because of her self perceived popularity and likeable personality. If she doesn’t get invited, she doesn’t let it go quietly. When she is left out of an event, she immediately starts to criticise the hosts. She tells anyone who will listen that the hosts are inconsiderate and usually claims that they are jealous of her. Before the wedding even takes place, FFF starts talking about how it is bound to be a disaster. After the event, even if she was not there, she criticises the food, decor and overall organisation. She speaks as if she is an expert on everything and nothing ever meets her so called standards. Even when she does attend weddings, the complaints never stop. She returns to the group with a list of everything that was wrong. Either the bride’s dress was too plain or too flashy or the hosts wasted money on unnecessary extras. According to her, if she were in charge, the wedding would have been far more tasteful and exclusive. Her comments are not just opinions, but they are delivered as facts, and she expects everyone to agree with her.
At one particular wedding about two months back, the hosts spent a large sum of money throwing a grand wedding for their first daughter, where the cost easily exceeded a thousand rand per head. FFF and her husband who were invited since they were business associates of the bride’s father, simply didn’t pitch up at the wedding without bothering to RSVP. When one of the ladies in our group asked FFF why she did not attend she simply shrugged and said that her husband had an important golf game on that day, making it sound like the wedding was not worth their time. This callous behaviour showed no consideration for the hosts who could have invited other guests had FFF informed them of their non attendance. In an age where the cost of living has increased dramatically and throwing a luxury wedding usually causes a significant financial setback, it is very disrespectful not to inform the hosts of an inability to make it to the function. Later, it came out that the real reason she didn’t go to the event was because of her dislike for one of the groom’s aunts. Even though she was invited from the bride’s side, she still
displayed such arrogance by stating that she did not have the time to RSVP. This was not about being too busy, but more about being spiteful and disrespectful. Last year FFF’s cousin-in-law hosted a small, intimate wedding function for her daughter. It was a modest event organised with limited resources. Despite the warm invitation, FFF refused to attend and forbade her husband from attending either. She claimed that she could not go to a wedding where her children were not invited, despite being fully aware that none of the other cousins’ children were invited. Everybody in her in-laws knew that this was just an excuse as she had no interest in attending an event that did not meet up to her ‘high’ standards. It did not matter that it was her husband’s first cousin. If the event was not grand and did not include an exclusive guest list, FFF did not want to be associated with it.
These behaviours of FFF are not limited to functions. In everyday conversations, FFF always wants to be the centre of attention. If someone talks about a personal issue or shares a problem, she immediately turns the focus to herself. She jumps in with her ‘advice’ and expects everyone to accept it without question. If anyone disagrees or suggests a different point of view, she dismisses them. Her tone makes it clear that no other opinion matters but hers. At a baby shower held for one of the younger women in the community earlier this year, FFF once again took it upon herself to make the day about herself. While everyone was enjoying a light, happy atmosphere, she began recounting the details of her own pregnancies, comparing every small element of the celebration to her own experiences. The mother to be, hardly got a chance to speak. FFF critiqued the choice of gifts, the theme, and even questioned the couple’s preparedness to raise a child. She did all this in a tone that suggested she was offering wisdom, but everyone could feel the sting behind the words. Then there was the time during the holy month of Ramadan when several ladies took turns hosting small prayer evenings at their homes. These were meant to be spiritual, quiet evenings with a simple breaking of fast. When it was FFF’s turn, she turned it into an extravagant event. She prepared a five course meal and pulled out her most expensive crockery, completely missing the spirit of humility and devotion. Her helpers were seen running around the entire day, clearly overwhelmed. By the time the guests arrived, everyone was too distracted by the spectacle to even enjoy the breaking of their fast. It became a dinner party rather than a spiritual evening.
At home, she shows the same lack of respect. Her domestic helper, who spoke to other helpers in the area, shared stories of how poorly she was treated. According to her helper, FFF shouted, used vulgar language, and spoke to her staff with no regard for their dignity. According to her staff this was not a once off incident, but it was FFF’s regular way of interacting. Even her children and husband are not spared. Her tone at home is commanding and
condescending. She puts on a polished face for the public, but behind closed doors, she is harsh and controlling. Despite all her public displays of pride about her marriage, stories recently began to emerge about her husband. While FFF talks about how loyal and devoted he is, people in the community had seen him spending time with a recently divorced young woman. The woman SSS, a friend of one of the girls in the community, confided that FFF’s
hubby had approached her with an offer to become his ‘secret’ second wife. SSS had turned him down but word of the incident spread quickly around town. While FFF is still busy boasting about how she has her husband ‘under control,’ she is clearly unaware that he was pursuing someone half her age in secret. There are even whispers that FFF’s spouse resents her behaviour. He had reportedly told his friends that she constantly reminded him that her father had set him up in life when he married her. She used this as a leverage to control him and make constant demands. What was once a marriage of convenience had now become a one sided arrangement where she dominated and he silently pulled away. But she does not see it. She is too busy pointing fingers at everyone else’s
flaws to notice the cracks in her own home. FFF loves nothing more than gossiping about other people’s marriage problems and analysing who she assumes is having an affair with whom. All the while, everybody who knows of her own marital problems, are busy laughing behind her back.
Her need for attention extends beyond social events and relationships. When there is a funeral in the community, the women from the Estate or the neighbourhood usually come together to offer support. They assist the bereaved family with preparations for the funeral and the cooking during the week of the funeral. FFF who is supposed to be a part of this initiative, always shows up late on the day of the funeral, after all the preparations are done and always dressed in a way that makes her look more like she is attending a gala. While the prayers for the deceased
are taking place, FFF can be found sitting and gabbing about worldly matters with whoever lends her an ear, instead of participating in praying. She does not bring anything in terms of food for the family and their guests, neither does she offer to help and she only stays a short while after making her presence known to all. On a few occasions in the days after a funeral she has been heard mentioning how busy she had been helping out at the funeral home which is a blatant lie. No one says anything to her directly, but the hypocrisy is obvious. She displayed the same manipulative behaviour in a recent charitable initiative. The planning committee assigned roles to each member to keep things collaborative, but FFF immediately took charge, pushing everyone aside. She overrode decisions, changed suppliers, and rewrote the budget without consultation. When one of the women politely reminded her that decisions were made by vote, she brushed it off and said that she knew better. FFF remained completely oblivious to the other ladies’ complaints about her inability to work as a team and she later boasted about how the initiative was a success whereby she credited herself entirely. These additional incidents only strengthen the growing discomfort among the women in the community. While everyone tries to maintain peace and civility, there is an unspoken agreement forming. Fewer people are turning to FFF for advice, fewer women are including her in group discussions, and fewer invitations are being extended her way. And yet, FFF walks around with her usual pride, unaware that the world she believes revolves around her, is slowly leaving her behind.
This story is not shared to humiliate or expose FFF, but rather as a gentle warning. In close communities like ours, behaviour, whether good or bad, does not go unnoticed. Arrogance may impress a few for a while, but eventually it pushes people away. The same people who seem to enjoy your company while you speak about others, are often the very ones who speak about you once you leave. Pride creates distance, and superiority breeds resentment. It costs nothing to treat others with kindness, respect, and humility. One should never assume their status or wealth
makes them more valuable than others. Real dignity comes from how good one makes others feel, not from how loud or showy one lives. If anything can be taken from this account, it is that we should all stay grounded, avoid arrogance, and remember that a good name is far more valuable than a luxurious lifestyle. My humble appeal to FFF, please, please, try to humble yourself, as your arrogance will not get you very far. We are not interested in how much your father gave your hubby to start a business or about the cost of your shoes, or all the A list people you know, or whatever else, just stop irritating us with all your materialistic talks….. GET A LIFE
Irritated
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