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We are all aware of the saying that ‘we are very good lawyers for our own mistakes, but very good judges for the mistakes of others’. Unfortunately this is the nature of humans, which is simply impossible to eradicate. The sad truth of the matter is that this attitude of ours tends to hurt the ones we love the most. I sit here with a heavy heart to pour my sorrows out about a grave injustice which seems to be gaining momentum in our society.
I am a 49 year old male living in the EEE Security Estate. Twenty five years back I had an arranged marriage to FFF from Johannesburg. Both our parents were very strict and although I had been dating a girl NNN a few years younger than myself from LLL, obviously with the intention of marriage, upon informing my parents thereof, they would hear nothing of it. My dad who was very old school had chosen FFF as my future spouse as she was part of the same MMM community as our family. I was given no choice in the matter and so I complied with my parent’s wishes to keep the peace. FFF and I lived in LLL with my parents after the wedding.
Although we tried to communicate with each other we simply lacked emotional feelings of attachment and we were unable to find any common ground or interest. Our life became a routine of me going early to work, coming home and having supper then watching a bit of TV with my wife and parents and thereafter retiring for the night. FFF and I usually spoke about mundane things, such as our day but our conversations lacked substance. A year later, my wife gave birth to our angelic daughter SSS. This was the first time I learnt what pure love truly meant, when I held my little baby in my arms. FFF was totally besotted with our little one and she dedicated all her time to nursing and caring for our baby. Their bond intensified as is normal between mother’s and their firstborns and somehow I began to feel neglected.
FFF also developed a new habit of wanting to spend weekends at her parent’s home in Johannesburg and although I did not like the idea of having my daughter away from me I could not begrudge my in-laws from spending time with their only grandchild. As this became a routine, I found myself going out more with my male friends on weekends.
On one such occasion after supper, while leaving a restaurant with my friends who should I bump into, but NNN, the girl whom I had initially wanted to marry. When I decided to marry FFF and call off my relationship with NNN, she was very angry with me and had left home to study further abroad, to get away from me. Our eyes locked and I expected her to snub me but surprisingly she greeted me and stopped to chat. NNN enquired about my well-being and upon hearing that I was now a father she seemed genuinely happy for me. Her bitterness and anger regarding the past seemed to have dissipated and I felt such joy knowing that she no longer begrudged me. NNN informed me that she had returned home permanently as she was engaged to be married in a few weeks. I was relieved to hear that she was happily moving on with her life but at the same time I felt a twinge of jealousy. After half an hour of chatting we parted ways as my friends, who were waiting for me, began to get very impatient.
That night I could not get NNN out of my mind and all the memories of our time spent together in the past came rushing back. I remembered how we would spend hours talking on the phone and how comfortable we felt with each other from the first moment we met. These thoughts plagued me day and night. After this meeting my marriage seemed to fall apart. The distance between FFF and myself grew and I tried to avoid spending any time alone with her. I could not get the thought out of my head thinking how if I had chosen NNN, I would have been much happier. My wife sensed my restlessness and irritability and she retaliated by accusing me of having an affair. We began to argue over every petty issue until we could barely stand the sight of each other. I knew that I was at fault but I could not bring myself to feel something I didn’t feel or to try and get along with FFF and she in turn also gave up trying to work things out. Eventually, when our daughter turned two we both sat each other down and with defeated looks admitted to each other that our marriage was making us both miserable. We approached both our parents and explained that we could not live with each other and that for the sake of our daughter’s happiness, we would like to get a divorce as all our bickering would end up destroying her life. We met with total resistance from both sides but this time FFF and I both stood our ground and refused to let our parents dictate our lives as they had done in the past. Eventually, everyone had to give in when they realized that we were adamant, but my mother cried and warned me that I would live to regret my decision as I would inevitably lose my daughter. FFF and I both reassured the elders that no such thing would happen and that our little one would always know the love of both her parents. FFF moved in with her parents and I would visit SSS every Sunday and take her out for the day. As she was still very young and very attached to her mother she refused to spend the night away from FFF. I missed my angel terribly and I lived only for the weekends when I could spend time with her. I made sure that I paid full maintenance for SSS and my ex-wife and both FFF and I had no problems with our arrangement. We actually got along better now than we had while we were married. Three years after my divorce, my beloved mother passed on due to her failing health. It was just my dad and I left in the house as my older sister lived in KZN with her family. At my dad’s request I decided to remarry and start my life afresh. I was lucky that my new wife ZZZ was very accepting of my past and had no problems with me being a divorcee with a child. ZZZ got along very well with my dad and she could hardly wait to meet SSS.
This was the beginning of my nightmare. All hell broke loose when FFF heard that I was remarrying. She suddenly became cold and bitter towards me and I began to sense a change in my beloved baby’s behavior as well. Whenever I went to pick her up she would start crying and refuse to go out with me. FFF taunted me and told me that perhaps SSS could sense that I no longer loved her. I felt my anger boiling when she made such remarks because I knew that she was putting my daughter up against me. My new wife was very supportive and explained that if I retaliated with anger it would only push SSS further away. Although I tried my best, after a few months it came to the point where SSS refused to come near me. She would run to her room and lock the door the minute she heard of me coming to visit her. She had started pre-school and halfway into the year the school counselor called both FFF and myself in for a meeting. She explained that our daughter was very distressed by the thought of me coming to visit and taking her away from her mother and that because she was at such a vulnerable age I should give her some space. I stopped visiting and called instead, but SSS refused to even talk to me on the phone. When ZZZ gave birth to our son 18 months later, this hit the nail in the coffin with me and my daughters relationship. No matter how hard I tried to reach out to her she pulled away and my only communication about her well-being was through FFF who made my life a misery. She always had something nasty to say to me and accused me of destroying both her and my daughter’s life. She pushed and pushed me with her nasty words and goaded me into staying out of SSS’s life to the point where I gave in, believing that this would be the best for my child’s happiness. My heart bled and not a day went by in which I did not pine for my daughter. My communication with SSS was limited to phone calls on birthdays and special occasions such as Eid as per FFF’s manipulations but even then, SSS did not wish to speak to me. I thought with time SSS would come around but as she became a teenager her mood swings worsened and FFF warned me once again that by pushing too hard I was damaging our daughter, so I stepped back. I still sent through the maintenance money every month as well as numerous gifts for my daughter, which were only met with snide remarks from FFF that money cannot buy love.
The years rolled by and I longed to be a part of my firstborn’s life, but FFF was very conniving and she convinced my daughter that I had abandoned them and that SSS should forget about me. My only source of comfort was my new wife who consoled me daily and told me not to lose faith. SSS went on to study Accounting and although I could not witness her achievements my heart soared with pride when I heard that she had qualified. When the Coronavirus pandemic hit us last year, FFF sadly lost both her parents to the virus in the first wave. I thought perhaps this would soften her heart and make her realize how precious a parent-child bond is, but this woman had a heart of stone and still denied me any contact with my daughter. The final blow came a month ago when SSS got fixed to a boy from Durban.
I was not even told about the proposal nor was I invited to the function at FFF’s home. The devastating part was that a family member from the boy’s side knew my sister from Durban and not knowing that she was SSS’s aunt informed my sister how sad it was that FFF’s ex-husband had abandoned her and her daughter when the child was still a small baby, to pursue a relationship with another woman. FFF lamented to everybody how she single-handedly raised SSS with no support nor any maintenance from her ex. My very own daughter informed her fiancée that her dad was dead to her as he was too busy enjoying life with his second wife and new kids and did not want to be a part of her life. I was livid and tried to call FFF. I asked her how she could spread such lies and how she could have filled my daughter’s head with such nonsense. FFF simply laughed and said that had I really cared about SSS, I would never have remarried. I now understood clearly. Due to her bitterness regarding me taking a new wife and starting a family, while she remained single, FFF decided to punish me by poisoning my daughter against me. I could not believe her selfishness, but what shocked me even more was that upon hearing my story I have heard of many stories from family and friends which relate to mine. In fact there have been two similar incidents in this past year both from LLL where divorced spouses were excluded from their children’s weddings.
A family member also astounded me by telling me that she attended a wedding in Johannesburg recently, at which bodyguards were hired by the bride’s maternal family to prevent the father of the bride from attending his own daughter’s wedding. Many years back a scandal was created in the MMM community when the mother of the bride who was separated from her husband sent out wedding cards, excluding the father’s name from the wedding card.
In the past this was viewed extremely negatively, but unfortunately in today’s times, nobody seems to have any qualms pertaining to such behavior.
Society is quick to judge without hearing both sides of the story and the divorced spouse who has remarried is usually seen as the villain.
To FFF and all other selfish parents who use their kids as a weapon against their ex- spouses, remember, you are only creating a damaged generation who will not learn the value of family ties. To the community members who are enjoying the show think about the sin that you are witnessing regarding the breaking of family ties and also the sin of doing nothing about it.
-Distressed father & Ex-husband.
