It is really heartbreaking to see how many marriages are falling apart these days in our community. Years ago we used to hear about the odd divorce here and there, but nowadays it seems as though every other week there is news of another couple calling it quits. The younger generation often gets blamed because many people feel they do not have the patience to work through their problems. They want everything instantly, including the perfect marriage and when things become difficult they simply walk away. However, what worries me even more though is not the younger couples. It is the couples who have been together for twenty or thirty years, who everyone thought had the perfect marriage and whose children are already married and settled. Couples who have built beautiful homes, successful businesses and comfortable lives together.
From the outside they seem to have everything, yet behind closed doors they are living like complete strangers. Some quietly separate while others continue living under the same roof with no happiness left between them. Other times, before anyone knows what is happening, rumours start doing the rounds that the husband has met someone else or is thinking of taking a second wife. I have an extremely delicate situation of this nature currently unfolding within my own family.
My family dilemma involves my husband’s brother ZZZ and his wife, NNN. ZZZ is in his early fifties and NNN is in her late forties. They originally lived in LLL before later moving to the EEE Estate. The couple had a love marriage and although my in laws did not approve of her at first, my brother-in-law defied his parents by insisting on marrying her and they eventually gave in and accepted his decision. Over the years my in-laws grew to love NNN. She lived with them during the first few years of her marriage and they groomed her into what they considered the perfect daughter-in-law. I entered the family a few years later. Mine was more of an arranged marriage and because I was already related to my husband through extended family, fitting into the household came naturally. I never had to prove myself in quite the same way. Even though my sister-in-law and I always got along, I often sensed that she quietly compared herself to me. There were little remarks made over cups of tea or while helping in the kitchen. Nothing serious enough to start an argument, but enough for me to realise she sometimes felt I was the more favoured daughter-in-law which created an invisible distance between us that never completely disappeared. That is exactly why I found myself in such an uncomfortable position when I learnt there were serious cracks appearing in her marriage. A few months ago my husband came home looking unusually quiet. I could see something was bothering him. After supper he finally told me that ZZZ, had opened up to him about problems in his marriage. Apparently ZZZ had reached a stage where he felt completely ignored by NNN and had even mentioned that he was thinking about taking a second wife.
To say I was shocked would be an understatement. Out of all the couples in the family, they were the last ones I ever expected to have serious problems. Financially they were very comfortable.
Their children had grown up into respectable young adults and were now happily married. They had a beautiful home, successful lives and from the outside, every reason to be grateful. My husband advised his brother not to even think along those lines. He encouraged him to sit down with NNN and work on their marriage instead of making a decision he might later regret. But according to ZZZ, he had already tried many times. He felt his concerns were brushed aside and that nothing ever changed. My husband hoped that perhaps I could speak to NNN, woman to woman, but I refused almost immediately. It was not because I did not care. I simply knew that if
NNN ever discovered that her husband had discussed their marriage with his brother and that I had become involved, she would probably feel betrayed. Instead of helping to mend the situation, I would end up damaging my own relationship with her as well.
After my husband told me about the conversation he had with his brother, I could not get it out of my mind. I tried to
forget about it because it was really none of my business, but once something like that is planted in your mind, you start noticing things you never paid attention to before. There was a small habit that I noticed over the years which may seem insignificant on its own, but when I now really think about it, I realised it said a great deal about how
easily spouses can begin taking one another for granted. Whenever they attended weddings, family functions or dinners with friends, NNN was always warm, cheerful and attentive towards everyone around her. She would ask people how they were doing, laugh at their jokes and make sure their plates were filled and happily spend hours chatting. Yet the moment it came to ZZZ, the warmth seemed to disappear. If he tried joining the conversation, she would often interrupt him or finish his sentences before he had a chance to speak. Sometimes she would dismiss his opinions with a wave of her hand or tell him that he was talking nonsense in a joking manner. I often wondered whether she even realised the way she talked to him in public, because it had become such a natural part of her behaviour. It was never anything dramatic enough for people to consider as rude behaviour, but when you witness the same little habits repeatedly over the years you begin to see a pattern and it clearly did not fit well with ZZZ. There were occasions when ZZZ quietly carried chairs, served tea or helped clear the tables while she continued chatting happily with everyone else, barely acknowledging his efforts. If guests complimented the delicious food or the beautiful home, she accepted the praise without ever mentioning that her husband had contributed equally to creating the life they enjoyed together. Even something as simple as offering him a cup of tea while asking everyone else what they would like seemed to slip her mind. These are not major offences and, on their own, they may appear completely harmless. But marriages are often built or broken by the accumulation of small moments rather than one life changing event.
It also played on my mind how different NNN was in front of people and the way she looked and behaved at home. NNN was a beautiful woman. Even now, after all these years of marriage and after raising her children, she could still walk into a function looking absolutely stunning. At weddings she always looked elegant. At ladies’ lunches she was perfectly dressed. If there was a family function, her makeup was flawless and her hair was done beautifully.
People often complimented her and she carried herself confidently. But the version of NNN that the public saw and the version that lived inside her home often felt like two completely different people. Whenever we visited the house as close family, she looked completely different. She would be in an old tracksuit, her usual Sameera gown or her
slippers that had clearly seen better days. Her hair was tied up carelessly and sometimes still smelled of the kitchen
because she had been cooking without freshening up afterwards. There is nothing wrong with being comfortable at home. We all enjoy relaxing and nobody expects a woman to look like she is attending a wedding every day of her life. But with NNN it felt different. There was a complete lack of effort since there was a noticeable difference between the NNN that greeted her friends and the NNN that greeted her husband. I am sure every woman reading
this has an old outfit that nobody outside the family ever gets to see. The difference with NNN was that it had become her everyday appearance. Yet if one of her friends phoned to say they were coming over, within half an
hour she somehow found the time to freshen up, change her clothes and look as though she was ready for a special occasion. ZZZ has often joked with her that he wished she would make the same effort for him as she does for everyone else, but she usually brushed his comments aside as if they meant nothing. It is not only her appearance that changes depending on who is around. Even her personality seems different. In public she speaks softly, carries herself with grace and behaves like a lady. At home she can be loud and foul mouthed. The way a
wife speaks to her husband, just as the way a husband speaks to his wife, is equally important. ZZZ is generally a calm and soft spoken man who rarely raises his voice, whether at home or at work. According to what he shared with my husband, he feels deeply hurt by the way NNN sometimes speaks to him. He says she snaps at him, uses vulgar language and on occasion, insults him in front of their grown children. Whether or not every detail is accurate, it is clear that he feels disrespected within his own home.
Another complaint from ZZZ was that as the children became more independent and later married, NNN’s social life seemed to grow busier and busier. There was always something happening. One week it was breakfast with friends, the next week it was padel, then a birthday lunch, a charity function or an afternoon spent shopping. She genuinely enjoyed being around people and there is nothing wrong with that, but somewhere along the way it seemed as though she and ZZZ stopped making time for each other. They were living under the same roof, yet it felt as though they were each following completely different timetables. At this point many women reading this article will probably jump down ZZZ’s throat and accuse him of using his wife’s lack of attention as nothing more than an excuse to justify having an affair. As a woman myself, and as his sister-in-law, I can only speak from what I have personally witnessed over many years. I have seen the love, patience, care and attention that he has shown NNN throughout their marriage. Over the years ZZZ ensured that NNN had ample time for herself by employing two full time maids to assist with the children, household chores and kitchen responsibilities. It would therefore be difficult to argue that she had no opportunity to care for herself because of domestic responsibilities. She always found time to meet friends, attend the gym, play padel and whenever there was a wedding or special occasion, she booked professional hair and makeup appointments without hesitation. ZZZ has always enjoyed spoiling his wife with beautiful clothing, designer shoes and expensive handbags, not simply because she likes them, but because he genuinely enjoys seeing her look and feel her best. Sadly, it sometimes appears that she is more interested in looking beautiful for the outside world than for the man who has shared his life with her. At the end of the day, physical attraction remains one part of marriage for many couples. When one spouse feels consistently ignored, unwanted or unappreciated, resentment can slowly build over time. That certainly does not excuse infidelity or taking a second wife, but it may help explain why some marriages become vulnerable when emotional and physical connection gradually disappear. There are undoubtedly single women in our society keen on being second wives who deliberately pursue wealthy married men for financial security, just as there are men who make poor choices despite having devoted wives at home. Every situation is different, and I do not intend to paint all second wives or all husbands with the same brush.
The more I think about it, the more I realise that many of us are probably guilty of the very same thing. We make an effort for our guests, our colleagues, our friends and even complete strangers, yet our partners waiting for us at home often receive the shortest version of our patience, the quickest abrupt answers and the least amount of our time. We assume they will always be there because they have always been there, forgetting that every person no matter how loyal, also needs to feel valued. That is a lesson I quietly took to heart because I realised that it was not only ZZZ and NNN’s marriage that was in trouble. In one way or another, it could easily become the story of any marriage if we are not careful. I know NNN as well as many of my female friends and family members follow this column and I hope that this story may assist them. No woman should ever have to experience the heartbreak of a broken marriage or another woman entering the picture and no husband is justified in betraying his wife. But we also cannot ignore the reality that when a marriage is neglected for years, it becomes vulnerable. If your husband has been asking for more of your time, your attention or simply for you to make an effort, don’t dismiss it until it is too late. A marriage is far easier to protect than it is to repair. Sometimes the warning signs are there long before the storm arrives, and if we choose to ignore them, we should not be surprised when we one day find ourselves living with regrets that could have been avoided.
Concerned sister-in-law