Growing up in LLL, one of my favourite pastimes after leaving school and even being married, was to eagerly dissect the LS Punchaat column to try and figure out who the people were behind the pseudonyms. Over years of reading each monthly story, it became painfully obvious that our community is plagued by a general dissatisfaction in life. Although there are many who berate this ‘gossip’ column, I believe that there are many lessons to be learnt, if only one chooses to reflect instead of judge. Today, I sadly pen my own Punchaat, one that has weighed heavily on my heart for many years. Sharing it is not an attempt to justify my mistakes, but rather to lift a burden and more importantly to help someone else avoid the same traps that I fell into.
In keeping with the tradition of this column, let me introduce myself as AAA, a woman in her mid-forties originally from LLL, now living in EEE. I was the youngest of three children, the baby of the family, doted on and spoilt by my parents and siblings alike. At the age of 22, I married MMM, a friend of my brother, who had been infatuated with me for years, ever since he befriended my brother. In the early days of our marriage, he lavished me with attention. We were happy but as life tends to go, the honeymoon ends and reality soon hits. Our first son was born a year and a half into marriage and I quickly discovered how unprepared I was for motherhood. Having always been cared for in my maternal home, I now had to care for someone else entirely. I found dealing with a crying, demanding baby who needed round the clock attention, very draining. It was overwhelming, but I threw myself heart and soul into my new role of motherhood and when our second son was born two years later, I was far more prepared. I loved spending time with my kids and watching each of their milestones with eager anticipation. Commonly among many marriages, after the kids are born, couples tend to be so busy aligning their lives to accommodate their offspring that they sometimes neglect their spouses and drift apart. Likewise, MMM and I slowly drifted apart. He was consumed by building his business and I was wrapped up in raising our sons. By the time the boys started school, I found myself with more free time and began to socialise with other school mums. We would meet for weekly coffees and lunches. Weekends was family time, and most of the women would talk about the quality time spent with their husbands and children. I envied them because I was unable to enjoy this aspect of life, as MMM owned a retail business in a shopping centre and with weekends being the busiest, he had to work. I began to envy what the other women had, husbands who showed up and spent time with them during weekends. By our tenth wedding anniversary, I was deeply dissatisfied not just with my life, but more so with MMM. He was always tired after coming home from work or always too busy with work. He hardly spent time talking to me or even going out with me alone. Our intimacy faded to the point where I had to initiate anything intimate, which only deepened my resentment. Mine and the kids weekends were spent with my siblings and parents while MMM was at work. We hardly went on any outings or on holidays as a family. Life felt boring and lifeless and my heart and mind began to wander as I longed for some excitement.
There was a school mum I admired who was very bold, confident and dressed in stylish figure hugging outfits. She attracted a lot of male attention, especially from a certain group of school dads. I started mimicking her style by wearing tighter clothes, styling my hair and applying makeup when doing my school rounds. The compliments came quickly in the form of words from women and appreciative stares from men. I felt seen for the first time in years. MMM didn’t notice or if he did, he said nothing, which left me with an ever deeper resentment towards him. It felt as if we were worlds apart, living separate lives in the same home. Then came SSS, a single dad at school who was the subject of many ladies’ crushes. He was charming, good looking and always smiling. I found myself strongly attracted to him and I made it a point to park my car as close to his as I could, in an attempt to catch his eye. Our eyes met at pickups and drop offs with me subtly lingering my stares in his direction until one day he initiated a conversation, which eventually led to us exchanging phone numbers. We started off by texting each other casually during the day and then more frequently late at night when MMM was fast asleep. This forbidden relationship was so exhilarating that it made the adrenaline rush through my veins. The thrill was intoxicating and it overpowered my guilt. The secrecy and the danger lit up something inside me that I hadn’t felt in years. SSS had been divorced for three years. He was two years younger than I was, but we connected instantly. What started off with texting soon turned physical. Our affair lasted just over a year, hidden from everyone. We were very discreet and nobody, not even my closest friends, hubby, or anybody in my family suspected anything. Eventually I could no longer live this double life and I wanted a divorce from MMM so that I could make a life with SSS, who I saw as the man of my dreams. While SSS did not commit to marriage, he never said an outright no, whenever the topic came up. Thus without consulting SSS, I went ahead and revealed the truth to MMM about my affair and asked him for a divorce. I expected MMM to be livid and to smack me after my scandalous revelation, but the hurt look he gave me will haunt me for the rest of my life. He pleaded with me to give our marriage a chance, but I refused and told him that our marriage had been over long before SSS entered my life, which really broke him. To his credit, MMM gave me the divorce quietly and with dignity. He never exposed my betrayal. We told our families it was a mutual decision rooted in unhappiness which shocked everyone, but nobody suspected the truth. The children struggled, of course, but with counselling and reassurances of both their parent’s love they slowly and painfully adjusted.
MMM moved out and left the home to us so as not to disrupt the kids’ routines as we decided that they would live with me. Immediately after my divorce, I noticed that SSS became very distant, but I put this down to him holding back until the matter of my divorce had settled and also him not wanting to bring any suspicions regarding our affair back to us. However, it soon became obvious that he was avoiding me and purposely ignoring my text messages. When my Iddat ended, which is the religiously prescribed three month waiting period after a divorce, I texted him to meet me and I was thrilled when I saw his call coming through. However, his cold tone and emotionless next few words almost made my heart stop beating. SSS informed me that our relationship was over and that he was not interested in a committed relationship, as he did not want to feel tied down. Before I could fathom what he was saying, I heard the click as he cut the call, and this was the last I heard from SSS. Just like that, he ended it with no explanation and no remorse. It was the end of the year and his child moved to a different school at the start of the next school year, which saved me the embarrassment of meeting him at school. I was crushed and so ashamed as I realised that I had thrown my entire life and marriage away on a whim and for someone who was only using me as a pastime. My heart was broken and I could not even bear to face MMM. MMM never questioned me about my personal life after the divorce and neither did he humiliate me, instead he always spoke amicably to me about matters pertaining to the children. Six months after our divorce, MMM remarried, which ironically sparked off rumours that he was probably having an affair all along, which people assumed was the real cause of our divorce.
Everyone began treating me more sympathetically after MMM’s marriage, despite me denying that MMM was ever unfaithful. I am so grateful to MMM that he preserved my dignity and till today he has never revealed my shameful secret. It was really hurtful to see MMM happy with his new wife and especially to see how well my kids got along with her. It was a bitter pill to swallow but entirely of my own doing, so I suffered in silence. A year and a half after my divorce, I was introduced to ZZZ by a mutual friend and it seemed as if happiness beckoned at my door once again, as I was given a second chance at marriage. I had just turned 36 and ZZZ was eight years older than I. He was recently divorced with three teenage kids who lived with their mother. I was so unhappy after my divorce that I ignored the logistics of his previous marriage and welcomed this proposal as a chance to start my life anew.
Navigating a second marriage was challenging in the beginning, but ZZZ and I worked diligently to adjust to the new normal and to help our kids work through it. The apple of our eye, our daughter, was born two years later. But slowly, the cycle began again. ZZZ wasn’t around. Not because of work like MMM but because of parties, social events, concerts and Sunday golf. He was never home. ZZZ seemed to be quite bored of our marriage. He had this constant need to be out of the house. Whereas my previous husband was too busy with work, ZZZ was seemingly too busy with his friends. Ten years later, we are still married, but I am once again miserable and lonely. This time, however, I have accepted my fate, as ZZZ provides me with comfort and financial stability, and treats my sons well. But emotionally?
I am alone. I now realise that the grass is not greener on the other side. I traded stability and loyalty for excitement and passion, only to end up with neither. Instead of addressing the issue in the beginning with MMM, I became too caught up in my own selfishness and the need for excitement. If I had worked on my first marriage instead of seeking shortcuts, perhaps life would have been different. Perhaps I would have understood that no relationship is immune to routine and that effort and not escape is the answer to making any marriage work. I broke my marriage, my home, and my children’s lives because I didn’t communicate. I didn’t try. I betrayed not just my first husband, but my faith. And worst of all I now carry this guilt like a shadow that never lifts. If I could turn back the clock, I most certainly would, knowing what I know now. The best advice I can give to anyone bored in their marriage is to please try, try and try your best before throwing in the towel. Talk to your spouse and open up about how you’re feeling, even if it’s uncomfortable. Marriage is not always filled with excitement and butterflies instead it’s filled with seasons, some of which feel cold and lonely, but they do pass. Never compare your relationship to others or to fleeting moments of temptation that seem thrilling but lack substance. Do everything in your power to salvage your home before walking away, because once you do, you may never be able to undo the damage. Sometimes, what looks like a lifeline is just a test and failing it can cost you everything. As the saying goes, ‘a happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short’. I missed out on this conversation and am now paying the price of being unhappy.