I feel that I have been unfairly judged by virtue of my marital status, but the hurt and betrayal I have experienced from people who assume they know my story can no longer remain hidden. By revealing my version of the past few years of my life on this platform, I am fully aware that many will feel I deserved what came my way. Yet, I refuse to let my current circumstances dictate my future. Perhaps there are women out there going through something similar who may find parts of my story familiar, and if so, then maybe my voice will at least matter to them.
I am a thirty eight year old woman living in an affluent suburb in Johannesburg. Eight years ago, I went through a painful divorce after five years of marriage. Those marital years were filled with both physical and emotional abuse and the only blessing that came out of the marriage was my beautiful daughter, who is now in high school. It took me two years of therapy, unwavering support from my parents and siblings, and a lot of soul searching to accept my life as a divorced woman and a single mother. My father helped me to open a small business and stood by me so that I could stand on my own feet financially. This was necessary since my ex husband and his family provided no maintenance or support for my daughter. My ex husband was, and still is, an addict.
Drugs consumed his life and destroyed any chance of him being a responsible father. Out of fear of being financially responsible for his child, he cut ties with us completely, which although heartbreaking, in a way made it easier for me to move on by being spared from his presence. My parents stepped into the role of caregivers and poured all their love into my daughter’s upbringing, giving her the best of everything. Even though she did not have her father, she never lacked love or care and she was never left wanting. They cherished their grandchild and she had the love of an entire family wrapped around her. After my divorce, I received many proposals, but I was too afraid and too emotionally scarred to consider another marriage. I focused on building my business and raising my daughter, who became my world with all the love and energy I could give her. I lived quietly by choosing to remain focused on my work and family. I am more inclined towards being an introvert by nature, but the nature of my business required me to step out of my comfort zone and to interact with people. Three years ago it was at a trade expo that I met RRR, a successful businessman from EEE estate in Centurion who was thirteen years older than me. At first, he only showed interest in my product and wanted to invest, but over time our business talks
turned into a friendship. It was not the kind of ‘friendship’ people would assume that was based on lust or physical attraction, but more of a caring, cautious relationship based on mutual respect and one which took shape mainly over the phone. RRR had a caring way about him and a calm presence. He always checked in, offering advice and encouragement, and with his simple, steady words he slowly broke down the walls I had built after my painful past. His thoughtful and kind manners made me open up to him about what I had been through. When I shared my painful history, he listened without judgment. His sincerity began to create a small opening in my heart, where I began to believe that it may be possible for me to one day fall in love with someone again.
RRR didn’t speak much about his life, but from the fragments of his story, I gathered that he was recently separated from his wife of twenty three years. He avoided speaking much about it, but from the few things he mentioned, I gathered that he had married young, had two daughters and a son, and that he and his wife no longer got along. It sounded as if they had grown distant over the years but had stayed together for the sake of their children who were now all grown up.
With the youngest having finished school they had mutually decided to separate. I had no reason to doubt him since his marital situation seemed like something separate from my life and his words had no impact on me. About fifteen months after our first meeting, everything changed when RRR told me he had developed feelings for me and that he wanted to marry me. He said he did not believe in dating or prolong the ‘telephonic’ relationship as that was against his religious beliefs and that for him marriage was the only honourable option. He claimed he was in the process of a divorce and that he had moved in with his elderly parents to care for them. The only complication, he explained, was his daughter’s upcoming wedding to a family of high social standing. He asked if I would be willing to keep our marriage a secret for six months, until after her wedding had taken place, so that her happiness would not be disrupted. I admired his devotion to his children and his desire to protect them. I realised that I too had quietly grown to care deeply for this man. I told myself that six months of secrecy was a small price to pay, especially since RRR promised that once the wedding was over, our marriage would be announced. I accepted his condition although I felt uneasy about hiding the truth from my family. Within a month after his proposal, we married in secret, and I felt happy and hopeful again. Living apart did not bother me at first.
My daughter was in the middle of a school year, and I could not disrupt her by moving to a new town without it affecting her education. I thought of this as a transition period and also as a chance to spend more time with her. RRR visited more often during the day when my daughter was at school as she was unaware of the situation. We managed to go away alone to Dubai for a week under the excuse of business while my daughter stayed with my parents. For six months, life was peaceful and our marriage was blissful.
When the beautiful fairytale wedding he threw for his daughter had passed and time kept moving forward, I noticed RRR’s silence. He did not tell his family about us and I felt that he was purposefully putting it off. At first, he said his father’s health was not so good and that the news would be too upsetting for him so he suggested that we wait for a few weeks until his dad recovered, but those few weeks turned into three months, and I began to sense a distance and strange behaviour which I could not ignore. RRR had a habit of switching off his phone while he was with me, coupled with his silence late at night by ignoring my calls when we were apart, as well as his excuses about falling asleep early every night all became too noticeable.
Every time I tried to broach the topic of announcing our marriage, he changed the subject. Eventually my patience wore thin and I confided in my parents and revealed my marriage to them. They immediately called for a meeting with RRR, demanding answers. RRR reassured them that he loved me deeply and promised us all that he would tell his family that very same night. But what followed was a storm that tore the ground from beneath me. RRR did tell his family about our marriage, but the truth he revealed was different from what I had believed. He admitted that he had taken me as a second wife. He told them it was his religious right and that he would not divorce me regardless of their anger. What I had not known was that he had reconciled with his first wife shortly before their daughter’s wedding. He had given her one divorce during a period of separation, but had later taken her back. Their reconciliation took place after he had already married me. The betrayal cut deeply. I felt deceived, but my parents reminded me that I had entered into the marriage without their advice and that just as RRR’s family could not demand that he divorce me, neither did I have the right to ask him to now divorce his first wife.
They told me that the decision to stay or leave the marriage was mine alone. As hurt as I was, I realised I still loved RRR dearly and the last thing I wanted was to have to go through a second divorce. I believed that he would be fair to both of his wives, so I gave in and accepted being wife number two.
From then on, life became an endless test. His first wife’s family, his parents and his children rejected me completely. They called my parents, insulting them for raising a daughter who had supposedly lured a married man. I began receiving threatening phone calls from his children who accused me of being a home wrecker and demanding that I leave their father. I eventually had to change my number to stop their constant abuse. When the story became public knowledge the community turned against me. Relatives and acquaintances, even so called friends, gossiped about me, mocking me behind my back. Whenever I walked in public with RRR, I felt the judgemental stares and heard the whispers. The first wife, after initially threatening to leave, chose to stay. She told her family she would never give me the satisfaction of taking over the life she had built with RRR. Gossip spread that I was a gold digger who had trapped an older man for his money. The truth is I have been financially independent for years since my divorce. I did not marry him out of need. My business sustains me, and my parents have always stood ready to support me if need be. The accusation that I pursued him for money is nothing more than slander meant to strip me of my dignity. It has now been nearly a year since our marriage became public. It has been a year filled with challenges, insults and heavy judgment. However, through it all, RRR has treated me with fairness and showed much love and affection to my daughter. He divides his time and his resources between both households, ensuring that I am not neglected. This has earned an even deeper love and respect for him in my eyes. His relationship with his parents and children has slowly mended, but not because of acceptance but rather because they continue to hope that he will one day get tired of me and end our marriage.
To those who despise me and who whisper my name with scorn, my truth is now laid bare. I would not have married RRR if he had asked me at the time to be his second wife. But, as fate has it, I am now his second wife, due to his change of mind not to divorce his first wife, for which I have no right to default him. This is my side of the story. Whether others choose to dismiss it as an excuse, twist it or reject it altogether, no longer matters to me. I will not be bullied into walking away from my husband. I refuse to abandon the love I found simply to satisfy the opinions of those who know nothing of my heart and the life I have lived. I am not here to look for pity or plead for approval. I am here because I have endured the judgment, the gossip and the hatred and I remain standing. My marriage may not be perfect and my choices may not please everyone, but they are mine to live with. I will continue to build my life, raise my daughter, care for my husband and nurture my home. Those who believe that by being a second wife I am a villain are free to hold their opinions, but I no longer carry the burden of their words.
Like it or not, I am here, and I am not going anywhere.
Happily married second wife