My tears have dried, my cries have silenced and my pain has numbed, but my trust has forever been broken by the manipulative and cruel nature of my in-laws. Perhaps my silence was mistaken for weakness, but before I leave my in-laws’ precious blue eyed boy, I want to pen down everything and tell the community my story. For twelve years, I have carried things that were never mine to carry, protected people who did not protect me and made excuses for a man whose own family knew exactly what he was capable of. I kept telling myself that perhaps things would change, that perhaps my husband would eventually realise what he was risking and that perhaps his family would one day stop making excuses for him. Instead, I slowly came to realise that I was the only person in that family who was expected to adjust.
I am 36 years old and I married my now 38 year-old husband AAA twelve years ago. AAA and I both grew up in LLL. AAA came from a very respectable, wealthy and well known family. AAA was the last born of four siblings and also the most spoilt.
With access to fast cars and a large allowance, he resorted to lazing around the whole day instead of studying or working, he developed bad habits and got involved in the wrong company, thus becoming the rebel of his family. We would hear rumours about his drinking and partying on weekends at clubs but, there was no concrete evidence. His two elder brothers tried hard to curb his rebellious behaviour to avoid him disgracing the family name but to
no avail. Eventually they threatened to disown him and cut off his monthly allowance to which AAA responded by arrogantly leaving his parent’s home. After six months of struggling, living in someone’s outhouse and trying to make ends meet, AAA realised that he was not cut out for a life of poverty and returned home with his tail between his legs. His family made things clear to him that he would only be accepted back if he agreed to let them find him a suitable wife. AAA agreed and the matter was settled. One of AAA’s brothers, MMM did business with my uncle and saw me one day at my uncle’s wholesale. Upon making enquiries from my uncle about my family and finding out that I was not married, he decided that I would be the perfect match for his brother. My uncle broached the subject with my family, who would hear nothing about the matter due to all the rumours about AAA’s bad reputation.
However, MMM then approached my father directly and pleaded with my dad, giving him his word that his brother was a changed person and that my father should at least allow us to speak to each other and decide from there. I was a bit reluctant but, at the same time, many of my friends were already betrothed and for fear of being left to sit on the shelf, I decided to give AAA a chance. I was pleasantly surprised and impressed with AAA’s charm and sweet words, but most of all his admittance of all his past mistakes.
He confided in me and told me about the mistakes he had made, making it seem as though he had learnt from them and had now completely changed his ways. He spoke about religion, responsibility and settling down and I remember thinking that perhaps his difficult past had finally made him mature. My parents also seemed happy
as AAA certainly had a way of speaking to elders and winning them over. AAA’s family was quite insistent that we get married as soon as possible as they felt it irreligious to date. Never doubting their intentions and all the while thinking that they were concerned about my welfare, we allowed them to hurry us into setting a marriage date quickly.
Within four months we were married and I moved into my in-laws’ luxurious home. My in-laws stopped nothing short of spoiling me with expensive gifts and showering me with love, care and attention. AAA never complained about me spending time at my parents’ house and instead encouraged me to go to them, especially on weekends. I thought this was wonderful. I thought I had married a true gentleman who trusted me and wanted me to maintain a close relationship with my family. Looking back, I realise that AAA did not really care about me being out of the home, because it gave him more freedom to spend time with his friends. At the time, I was too young and too trusting to see the difference. Two and a half years after my marriage, I gave birth to our beautiful baby girl and my in-laws gifted us with our own beautiful home in EEE security estate. I was delighted, not for once thinking that this was the beginning of my nightmare. AAA started staying out late almost every night. He refused to tell me his late night whereabouts, but I often heard him making plans with his childhood male friends, two of whom were already divorced after less than three years of marriage. I tried to rationalise and make excuses for his behaviour. Perhaps he was stressed at work or maybe becoming a father had overwhelmed him. After some time he started staying away from work and would sleep the whole day after his late nights. My brother-in-law, MMM would call me to see if all was fine and I would tell him that AAA was out the whole night with friends and was now sleeping, but he strangely kept silent and told me to just ignore it and let it be. There was one particular weekend that remains with me. AAA left the house on a Friday evening and did not return until Sunday night. I had no idea where he was. I tried calling him but eventually stopped when his parents told me that he probably just needed to take a break with his friends. On Saturday afternoon I received a call from MMM asking whether the children needed anything. It seemed like an innocent question at the time, but something about it unsettled me. If my in laws were as unaware as I was, why did nobody seem surprised that AAA had disappeared? When he finally returned, AAA behaved as though nothing unusual had happened. I was furious but also embarrassed. I did not know how to explain to anyone that my husband had simply disappeared for an entire weekend while I remained at home with a small child.
When my daughter turned two, I found out I was pregnant again, but this pregnancy was quite a difficult one and I moved in with my parents after going into pre-term labour at six months so that my mum could help take care of me. AAA refused to come to my folks’ place and remained at home. I tried not to complain and told myself that perhaps he was uncomfortable staying at my parents’ home.
My mother noticed that I was often quiet and would ask whether everything was fine, but I could never bring myself to tell her the truth. I was still trying to protect my marriage and trying to believe that what was happening was temporary. After the birth of my second daughter and moving back home after being away for close to five months, I realised that I had come home to a monster. It was clear that AAA was going out to drink at nights and I could now also get the smell of weed on his clothes when he returned. I tried confronting him but this is when he became abusive by using foul language and violently pushing me out of his way. For the sake of my two daughters, screaming and crying every time we raised our voices, I kept quiet.
My mother-in-law became aware of our constant arguments but instead of confronting AAA, she would tell me that he had always been spoilt and temperamental and that I should know how to handle him by remaining calm. I began to feel as though I was being asked to manage a grown man’s behaviour as though he were another child in
the household. Eventually, after two years of living in hell, I approached my two brothers in-law. Shockingly, they did not seem surprised by what I told them. Instead of offering me support and reprimanding their brother, their advice to me was not to discuss it with anybody, as it would ruin the ‘good’ family name. That was when I started putting pieces together. They seemed to know everything about AAA’s bad habits, but they did not seem interested in wanting to know how all of this was harming me. After that they seemed to want to buy my silence. They would gift me with enough spending to go with my parents and siblings on overseas holidays. AAA never joined us, always on the pretext that he was very busy at work. My in laws advised me that I should enjoy my life with my family and go out with them for holidays and meals, all at their expense. At first I accepted these things gratefully. Who would not? But gradually I noticed something strange. Whenever there was tension between AAA and myself, somebody from his family would suddenly become exceptionally generous and I began to understand what was happening. They did not want me asking questions. They wanted me comfortable enough to stay and quiet enough not to complain.
AAA and I grew quite distant with time. We lived in the same home but hardly said a word to each other. AAA, when he was not in an intoxicated state, doted on his daughters. To the outside world he portrayed himself as the perfect father and even better husband. There were days when he could be charming, affectionate and completely normal. If somebody met us only on those occasions, they would never have imagined what marriage life was really like for me. I became very good at hiding it too. If someone asked how AAA was, I would smile. If relatives praised him for being such a good father, I would remain quiet. Inside, however, I was becoming a different person. I stopped looking forward to his arrival and I became anxious when I heard his car outside. I started keeping the children occupied when I sensed that he was in a bad mood. I stopped bringing up things that bothered me because I already knew how the conversation would end. Then came the day that changed everything. One day, upon returning from an outing with my parents, I came back home to find AAA’s parents’ car in our driveway. As I came closer to the front door I could hear screaming and shouting. My father-in-law was yelling at AAA to get his act together and to stop embarrassing the family. The words which came out of his mouth next made me freeze. I stood rooted to the spot in shock, listening to my in-laws tell AAA how they went out of their way to ensure that they found an unsuspecting, good family who would give them their daughter to marry him and how the whole family had to cover up his misdeeds over the years, but that now, after all their hard work, it was only a matter of time before I told my family the truth and exposed their lies. That means that they had tricked me into this marriage. Instead of sorting their son out, they had pushed him into a marriage hoping that he would change and even after they saw that he had not changed, it made no difference as long as he put on a good act in public. I stood outside that door listening to the people who had once welcomed me into their home and treated me like a daughter and suddenly everything I had experienced over the previous twelve years seemed to fall into place. The urgency before the wedding and the assurances about AAA having changed.
The way his brothers seemed to know things I did not. The holidays and gifts. They had known. That was the part that hurt more than anything AAA had done. Then the minute I walked into the house, I acted as though I had heard nothing. I was too disturbed to think straight. I went through the motions that evening, but inside I was replaying every conversation I had ever had with them. Over the next few months, my anger kept building. I no longer looked at their generosity in the same way. I no longer heard their reassurances without wondering what they were leaving out. Even the things that had once made me feel lucky began to feel like pieces of a carefully arranged picture.
AAA has no intention of changing and so I have decided that I want to leave. It will not be without a fight but I have already spoken to my parents, who told me that their home is always open for me and that they will fully support my decision.They have not tried to coerce me into working things out, especially after hearing how conniving this family has been. For years I thought leaving would mean that I had failed. I worried about what relatives would say and whether people would believe me. I worried about my daughters and whether they would understand one day why I made this decision.
Now I understand that there is another way of looking at it. Sometimes leaving is not the end of a woman’s life, but the first decision she makes for herself after years of making decisions around everybody else. I believe families need to look honestly at their sons before handing them over to somebody else’s daughter. Every family has problems. Nobody expects perfection. But deliberately hiding serious behaviour and hoping marriage will somehow fix a person can ruin more than one life. There will always be people who only see the outside of a marriage. They will never see the woman sitting alone after everyone has gone home, wondering where the man she married has disappeared to again. They will not hear the conversations she has with herself in the middle of the night or see how much strength it takes to wake up the next morning and carry on as though everything is normal. That is why I have finally decided that I do not need everybody to understand my decision. I only need to understand it myself. I deserve the chance to rebuild the woman I was, before twelve years of disappointment slowly wore her down. Perhaps some people will call me selfish and some will say I should have stayed for the children. Perhaps AAA’s family will tell their version first. Let them. For twelve years, I allowed other people to control the story of my marriage because I was afraid of what would happen if I told the truth. Today I have nothing left to protect except my children, my dignity and whatever remains of my own peace. My tears have dried. My cries have silenced. My pain has numbed. But my courage has returned.
And this time, I am listening to it.
– Betrayed Wife