When money becomes more important than family

Some family stories are difficult to tell because the people involved are not strangers but your own family and when an elderly relative becomes vulnerable, everyone expects the family to come together to protect him. In HHH’s case, that is not what happened and as his niece I have watched from the outside as his son slowly took control while the rest of the family was pushed further and further away.

HHH is my uncle who is in his mid sixties and for many years he was a strong and independent man who had worked hard, built up property and accumulated enough wealth to live comfortably. He was married to NNN and they had two children, a son and daughter. Since HHH and NNN divorced about twelve years ago, the relationship between HHH and his children became distant, particularly with his son MMM, who was no longer a regular part of his father’s life. HHH later remarried a woman who is currently in her early fifties with no children of her own and together they built a comfortable life living in EEE estate.

Knowing that he was getting older, HHH made sure that his affairs were in order and drew up a will which clearly set out what he wanted to happen to his estate. His wife was to remain in the family home and receive a trust fund, while his remaining properties and assets were to be divided between his two children. There was nothing unusual about this arrangement and nobody expected that his will would later become part of such a complicated situation. That was until HHH had a serious fall two and a half years ago. He suffered a head injury and spent several weeks in hospital before being moved to a step down facility to recover. It was during this period while he was still recovering, that MMM suddenly came back into his father’s life.

MMM had been largely absent but suddenly after the accident he became increasingly involved in his father’s affairs. Shortly afterwards HHH was moved from the step down facility into a nursing care facility because he was said to have early signs of dementia. From that point onwards, MMM became the main person dealing with his father’s affairs. The extended family was not given the same access to my uncle or the same involvement in decisions about him. Information came through MMM, decisions appeared to be made only through him and family members who wanted to understand what was happening were left with very little opportunity to see the situation for themselves.

When my husband and I visited my uncle, we expected to find someone who was completely confused and unable to understand his surroundings but what we found was very different. HHH knew who he was, knew and understood that he was in a care facility and most importantly, he believed that he would eventually recover and return home. As the months passed, the reason according to his son for keeping HHH in the facility moved beyond recovering from his fall, with increasing concerns being raised about whether his father could manage his own affairs. Eventually, steps were taken by MMM to have HHH declared incapable of managing those affairs.

In South Africa, this is not something that should simply happen because a family member says that an elderly person is no longer capable. There is a legal process involved and evidence must be considered when someone is going to lose control over their money, property and important personal decisions. MMM works in the legal field himself and appears to understand this process very well so proving his father incapable was not a difficult task for him. What makes the situation so difficult for myself as his niece to accept, is that my uncle has the financial means to be cared for properly at home. If he genuinely needed constant supervision because of dementia or the effects of his head injury, twenty four hour nursing or a full time caregiver could have been arranged for him.

He could have had nurses and caregivers looking after him around the clock while remaining in his own home comfortably surrounded by familiarity and people who knew him, rather than spending almost two years in a care facility. While all this was happening, HHH’s wife continued receiving her monthly allowance happy that she did not have to take on the difficult responsibility of caring for a sickly husband around the clock. His daughter had already received her share of the property and MMM had become the person controlling the situation around his father.

The extended family could see that something was wrong with the arrangement, but because MMM had positioned himself between his father and us. There was very little anyone could do without access to proper information or a clear understanding of the big picture. We continued visiting my uncle and sadly what stayed with me was how much HHH still believed that he would eventually go home. He seemed to regard the facility as somewhere he had to stay until he became well enough to leave, rather than as a permanent residence. I witnessed HHH having gone from being a man who controlled his own home, money and property to someone who is now completely dependent on others. And the people making those decisions are closely connected to his estate. That is the part that troubles me the most. I am not pretending to know every medical detail or every legal argument that has been placed before the court, but I do know the family, I know the history and I know that MMM was largely absent from his father’s life before the accident. HHH may genuinely require care but needing care does not automatically mean that a person needs to lose their home, their familiar surroundings and contact with the extended family. HHH has spent more than two years away from his home while the people around him continue with their lives, happily spending his money. The house, the properties and the money he worked so hard to accumulate are still there. What is missing is HHH himself, sitting in his home and surrounded by the people who should have been making sure that his vulnerability did not become the reason everyone else gained control over his life.

What I have learnt from what happened to my uncle is that families cannot wait until an elderly person becomes too vulnerable to start getting involved. While they are still able to make decisions for themselves, families should make sure there is a clear plan for their care, finances and their wishes, and that more than one trusted family member knows what is happening instead of leaving everything in the hands of one person. For now all I can do is hope and pray that MMM can find it in his heart to restore the dignity that his father deserves.
Helpless niece.

Don’t believe everything you follow

Ms ZZZ seems to have it all. Beauty, charm, wealth and a luxurious lifestyle. Her online social media lifestyle portrays designer outfits, luxury holidays and exclusive cars. She is a well known public figure in our community, who in recent years has suddenly become a life coach for women. She portrays herself as a successful woman who overcame an abusive marriage and worked hard to build a successful career. But behind the glamorous online image, there is another story.

My dear cousin, MMM, from RRR near LLL, has fallen victim to what her family believes was a carefully disguised scam. MMM is 30 years old and has been married to AAA for six years. They have a beautiful three year old daughter. AAA is extremely wealthy and because of his family’s large business enterprise, which he is involved in, his work demands a lot of his time. It also involves monthly overseas travel. After the birth of their daughter, MMM, who had previously been fine with her husband’s business demands, seemed to develop a problem with his frequent business trips. Without any real evidence, as she has told me, but based on what she described as her “instinct”, she began accusing AAA of having a mistress. He vehemently denied it and blamed MMM for simply being insecure. Their parents advised them to attend marriage counselling but MMM refused. Instead, she turned to ZZZ, whom she had always admired and followed on social media and began one on-one life coaching sessions with her.

MMM has not gone into much detail about these sessions, but it became clear that after this so called coaching, ZZZ had started influencing my cousin towards leaving her husband and taking him for every cent he was worth. MMM kept talking about how empowered she felt by ZZZ. She would explain that ZZZ herself had left a wealthy, manipulative husband after alleged abuse and had still managed to make it on her own. My aunt and uncle were extremely angry about the advice ZZZ was giving their daughter after MMM insisted on separating from AAA three months ago. AAA’s parents advised him to give his wife some time and allow them both to settle their thoughts while they were apart before making any major decisions about their marriage.

In the meantime my aunt decided to investigate ZZZ’s credentials. What she uncovered shocked her. Firstly, according to what she found, ZZZ has no formal qualifications in counselling, despite deceptively presenting herself as someone capable of providing this type of guidance. Secondly, ZZZ’s personal history and lifestyle revealed that she has had two failed marriages and she received substantial amounts of money when both marriages ended. A few weeks before the complete dissolution of her second marriage, she was reportedly romantically linked to a wealthy, well known, married businessman originally from LLL. These allegations have reportedly come from both the man’s wife and ZZZ’s ex husband.

Whatever the truth may be, my aunt felt there were enough unanswered questions to make her extremely concerned about ZZZ’s advices to her daughter. But then came the biggest shock of all. One of ZZZ’s close family members allegedly revealed to my aunt that despite ZZZ having previously accused her second ex husband of being an abusive, narcissistic psychopath, the two had apparently started seeing each other again. ZZZ is naturally keeping all of this very quiet. Whether that is because she does not want to face the public after previously portraying her ex husband as a villain or because she wants to keep her options open with another unsuspecting wealthy suitor, nobody really knows.

Thankfully my aunt managed to get the information she had uncovered to my cousin before MMM made any irreversible decisions. MMM was shocked and once she started putting the pieces together, she began questioning everything she had been told during her sessions with ZZZ. She eventually realised that much of the advice she had received appeared to contradict the lifestyle and circumstances surrounding ZZZ. MMM and AAA are now in the process of reconciliation with the help and support of their families. They are also seeing an accredited marriage counsellor who is successfully assisting them in resolving their problems.

The question that remains is how many vulnerable women have sat across from ZZZ and opened up about their marriages, fears and insecurities and trusted her because of the glamorous image she has created for herself online? ZZZ presents herself as a woman who knows how to rebuild your life after a toxic relationship by speaking about empowerment, Islamic values, independence and knowing your worth. But when someone is giving you advice about your marriage while their own personal circumstances raise so many questions, that alone is a red flag. Perhaps the most frightening part of this whole story is that ZZZ does not look like a scammer. She looks successful, confident and like someone who has figured life out.

That is exactly why people can be fooled. So before you put your marriage, your family, your money and your future in the hands of someone like ZZZ, look beyond the Instagram photos and the motivational speeches and ask yourself who this person really is when the camera is switched off. ZZZ may have thousands of followers but followers are not proof of character, honesty or good intentions.
Concerned cousin.